This morning I turned on Spotify to an 80s mix
Then I laid down on my back on my bed
That my husband and I share
And listened to the music
As the fan spun over my head.
I turned on the soundtrack to the most tumultuous
Angry
Frustrating
Terrifying
Years of my life
I turned on the soundtrack that once
Activated a flood of memories
A flood of feels
A flood that washed over me and left me
Disconnected
Dissociated
Afraid
Alone
Replaying all the worst parts of those years
Over and over again until
I was sobbing
Then frozen
Then dazed for weeks afterwards
This morning I turned on Spotify to an 80s mix
Then I laid down on my back on my bed
That my husband and I share
A bed that I had a complicated relationship with
A bed in which my body felt weak and sick and filled with tubes and wires
A bed that held the violence I witnessed someone I love experience
A bed that convinced me truth and dare is a good game to play
I laid down on that bed and listened to the soundtrack of those memories
While the ceiling fan my sweet husband installed for me turned overhead.
I turned on the soundtrack to the most tumultuous
Time of my life
And I danced inside.
I smiled at the memories of innocence of first love and sloppy unpracticed kisses
And teachers who respected me
And challenged me
And kindnesses I shared with others
I remembered dances I danced with good friends
In the school cafeteria
My body a crazy ball of energy
Moving to the 80s mix tunes
And laughing
And dancing until my feet were sore
And my breath was short
And I only felt slightly embarrassed at
How silly I must have looked
I listened to the soundtrack of the most tumultuous years of my life
And
I
Felt
Joy!
Overwhelming gratitude
Fullness in my heart
I felt at Peace
I haven’t forgotten those things that happened
I don’t have any great love for those who hurt me
But I no longer live there
I no longer linger in the chaos and anger,
Dipping in my hands and scooping it up like
Water from a well in the middle of a relentless desert of pain
There are other memories to be remembered
There are loves I felt
Friendships that flamed up and died out
Through no fault of their own
Kindnesses I experienced
And kindnesses I gave
Successes, good books, family trips, ocean waves, birdsong in the spring,
swinging on a parade of playground swings
There was more
Much more
To those years than I saw at the time
And now
My body
Remembers
That two things can be true at once
That many things can be true at once
That darkness and light and mediocrity - good enough-ness - can all live
In the same space
Of time
And the body can be re-taught
Which of those to dwell within
Call the work what you will
Trauma work
Shadow work
Dark goddess energy work
Mindfulness
Embodiment
Cognitive shifting
Hard
Scary
Relentless
courageous
I call it
Accomplished!
This is what post traumatic growth feels like!
